Your Honor Read online

  I watched Larry lace his fingers behind his head.

  “And you’ve been fucking this girl while you’ve presided over her cases?”

  “I have.”

  “Though the ethics board won’t give a shit what you say, have you shown her bias?”

  “I have not.” That was truth.

  He scratched through his over-grown beard. “Does Daryanne have any evidence?”

  “No. Just speculation with what she saw.”

  “Then don’t give her any.”

  I knew what he meant by that…dump Lucy. I tried to wrap my mind around not having Lucy in my life.

  “I’m not sure I can do that. Is there any chance of reassignment? Get me out of the child in need of care division?”

  He blew out a breath, staring at the blank television screen. “Jenner. You’re young to even be a district court judge. You know that. I can’t move you to criminal or civil at this point. Domestic possibly, but I’d have to speak to the other judges.”

  “I’m sure you’ll be met with resistance. No one wants CINC.” Lucy did. She wanted to save every damn child out there. “What about reassigning her? Maybe a formal request to the DA to put her in domestic?” This would kill her.

  “And why is it you can’t just leave her alone?”

  Finishing the scotch, I shrugged. “God damn, I’ve tried. I’ve seriously tried.”

  “Tried as in past tense? As in you are done trying?” Concern boiled in his tone and his eyes.

  “Yes. I believe I am done trying.”

  Larry shot to his feet. “The hell you are. If I have to call your father, I will,” he threatened. “You end this. You end this now. You end it for your career and you end it for hers. Because of who you are, you’ll work again. She won’t. You know it and I know it.”

  Hearing his words was like a searing brand on my chest.

  “I’m serious, Jenner. Grow some balls and tell this girl it’s over. This thing has the potential to destroy more than just you. Your father included. Take care of this before it takes care of you.”

  Stunned, my brain slowly absorbed the words, not fully believing them. My mind declared war on what he said, attempting to refute him. To negate what he said. Then my brain started looking at it from his side. Just because she made me happy didn’t mean we were meant to be, I rationalized. Three days passed since I’d asked her to come to my house. She hadn’t come. Maybe she’d already let it go. Maybe I was hanging onto something that wasn’t even a thing.

  When I got to my car my phone buzzed. Before I pulled it from my pocket, I knew it was her—I just had a feeling and relief settled through me. I started the car, looked at my screen and was surprised to see my friend Mitchell’s name. I opened the text and a picture popped up. Lucy and her friend from the club. Mitchell texted just below it: Hey, look, there’s Miss Hey you guys, I’m tired and gonna head out.

  I shook my head. They knew me well enough to know I didn’t go home with girls, and I certainly hadn’t told them that night where I was going. Clearly, they’d figured it out and watched me talk to her.

  I shot a text back. Fuck off.

  When I saw the little bubble—I waited for his words. She’s crying at Tony’s. You break another heart?

  Lucy was crying. I didn’t respond to Mitchell. I simply put the car in drive and drove. Like a mad man.

  ***

  Tony’s Tavern had been a go-to for law students for years. Not sure why, but Lucy didn’t strike me as a regular. My hope was to walk in, go have a seat with the guys, and monitor her reaction. But when I opened the door and spotted her sad, green eyes, my entire planet cracked. Larry’s warning flew out of my mind, my prick of a father fleeted away, my young career took a back seat—I’d become obsessed about making her life better, chasing away her pain, about loving her completely.

  “Jenner!” one of the guys shouted, and my eyes abandoned hers to see them pointing at me. Their laughing eyes jotted back and forth between Lucy and me. Aggravated, I navigated my way over to them.

  “Look at who hustled down to the bar after only one text,” Jeff chuckled.

  “You look like shit, man.” Brian threw out.

  I readjusted my ball cap—I had forgotten I still had it on—and wondered if Lucy’s eyes were still on me?

  “Shut the fuck up,” I said, sitting where Lucy would be in my peripheral. “Why the hell are you guys even here?”

  Brian pointed at the TV in the corner. A baseball game was on. The one sport I hated.

  “And what, you thought coming here you’d find some young, pretty law students to watch with?”

  “Yep. That redhead especially,” Mitchell laughed.

  A cross between a smirk and a sneer crossed my face.

  “Can I get you a drink?” a waitress asked, calming my irritation…a little.

  “I’ll have a bourbon and water.”

  Jeff grabbed the waitress’s arm. “Would you get that redhead over there a drink on me?”

  “No, she won’t,” I said with a serious face. The waitress eyeballed me, and I shook my head.

  Jeff’s smile widened, and he motioned for the waitress to go on, then he kicked my chair. I glanced at the TV.

  “So, you still seeing her?”

  “It’s complicated, but what difference does it make?

  Brian chimed in. “For starters she and her friend are hot as fuck.”

  “Well then, buy her friend a drink.”

  All three of my friends chuckled. “The great Jenner Weber is whipped.”

  They had no clue. Hell, I didn’t have a clue.

  “Excuse me, Judge?”

  Hearing judge always made me nervous. Lucy’s friend was standing in front of me. Angry?

  “Yes?” I glanced back toward the table and Lucy was gone.

  She leaned down. “Leave. Her. Alone.” She whispered roughly into my ear. “This is going to be harder for her since she gave her virginity to you. But her career means everything to her so please walk away.”

  My mouth fell open as she leaned back, and her eyes held a warning of their own.

  “Virginity?”

  The girl’s brows pulled together as she pulled on the strings of her sweatshirt. “She didn’t tell you?”

  I swallowed dryly, shaking my head.

  “Please, let her go,” she said as she walked away.

  Stunned, I wasn’t sure what to do. I stood, then paced, then stood still again, staring at the door she must have gone through earlier. The guys said something I didn’t comprehend as my fists clenched and unclenched. I made some lame excuse to the guys and bolted outside, trying to capture my breath. Lucy was a virgin? That night at the hotel—I thought back to how I had flipped her over and pounded into her. Jesus. The way she sucked me…like she was nervous, timid, unsure. Had she never done that before either? My mind raced with questions. And I wanted fucking answers.

  Chapter 17

  PROBABLE CAUSE

  LUCY

  The line in the restroom was ridiculous, and I put lip gloss on before I walked out. My heart sunk—Jenner was gone. I’d told Henley to go on since she needed to get out of there. But I held out hope that Jenner might come over and talk to me. At the very least, stay. It had been difficult to keep my eyes off of him as he sat there with his friends. Of course, once again showing up out of the blue where I was.

  I flung my purse over my shoulder, cast a glance at his ogling friends and headed out. I must have read his eyes wrong when he first came in. For a second, it felt like he wanted me or maybe something from me. I don’t know. Henley was right. I had to try to save my career and move on.

  The cold air knocked me in the face when I opened the door. It was brutal. Winter was breathing down our necks, ready or not. I adjusted my scarf just a bit tighter. When I spun away from the wind, Jenner stood there. Damn that ball cap.

  “You were a virgin?”

  I swallowed. “No,” I spat out like it was the stupidest question ever. H
ow the hell did he find out?

  “Lucy. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Tell you what, Jenner?” I acted disgusted by his accurate accusation. I tried to step past him. “Taxi.” I held up my hand hailing a cab.

  He clutched my upper arm spinning me around. “I’ll take you home.”

  “Stop. I got here by myself. I can get home by myself.”

  “I’m taking you home, Lucy. We need to talk. Plus, it’s ridiculously cold.”

  I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep up my resolve. “Jenner, I can’t,” I whispered.

  “This isn’t open for discussion, Lucy. Get in my car.”

  Freezing, I conceded and got in. The car was strangely quiet. Neither of us spoke on the thirty-minute ride home. Not a peep. Henley had to have opened her freaking big mouth while I was in the restroom. My mind raced a thousand different directions trying to decide how I’d defend my decision to lose my v-card to a stranger. When we got inside the apartment, the cold quietness continued.

  “Are you seriously going to ignore me? This discordance between us…”

  “Discordance? No one says that shit, Jenner.”

  “Damn it, Lucy. Why the hell didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?”

  I threw my arms in the air. “What difference would it have made?” I yelled.

  He collapsed onto the sofa and stared at me, something indescribable in his eyes. “Is that why you just threw sex out there that night? You were on a mission?”

  I stood against the archway of the living room door. “So, what if I was? Yes. I went to the bar that night planning to lose my virginity. That sounds awful, I know. I just was tired of it being there.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Really, Jenner? I was like the last millennial virgin. What would I have said? Hey, I know I just picked you up in a bar, but would you mind robbing me of my virginity?”

  His angry eyes bore into me. “I had a right to know.”

  “I didn’t want you to know.”

  “Why me? Why did you choose me, Lucy?”

  Inhaling the deepest of breaths, I whispered. “I don’t think I did. I think you chose me.”

  We sat opposite each other, our eyes glued together. Everything that didn’t make sense about me made sense when I was with him. I saw the best part of me in his eyes, and yet at the same time I was trying to remember my promise to Henley, I tried to stop what was happening.

  “What’s the big deal anyway?”

  Jenner’s knees cracked when he stood. And everything inside of me clenched as his slow, deliberate steps came in my direction.

  “What’s the big deal?” he repeated out loud. “The big deal, Lucy… is that I’m going to be your first. I’m going to be your only. And I’m going to be your last. That’s how big of deal this is.”

  My lips parted as I exhaled. “Jenner…”

  He grabbed the bill of his cap and turned it backward just as his mouth came down on mine. One. Two. Three. Four. Five soft pecks.

  “Come on,” he whispered, taking my hand and leading me to the bedroom.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m going to do this the way it should have been done that night.”

  I resisted.

  “Please allow me this. Please let me show you that I would have respected the honor and the privilege. That I know how to do it without hurting you.”

  As we walked together into the bedroom, I searched for the courage I needed to tell him no. There was no way I would survive losing him again if we were together tonight. I already had so many memories that I’d never escape, and this would only add to it.

  I resisted his tug on my hand. His eyes widened as he looked down at me.

  “Jenner.” I paused trying to find the words. “I can’t.”

  His Adam’s apple jutted out and back in. “Lucy. Please. I want to do this so differently.”

  I resisted the impulse to give in, but as I did, my throat tightened with regret. A few little hairs stuck out through the hole of his hat just above his forehead. Poised, professional and perfect.

  I shook my head. “No.”

  The backs of his fingers brushed over my cheek. With eyes closed, I lowered my head away from his touch.

  “Jenner. This is over. I feel awful because in the beginning you were so strong and you knew what was in our best interest. You knew.”

  “Fuck, being strong, Lucy.”

  “No!” I pushed away from him. “Listen to me. I didn’t listen to you in the beginning. I pushed you and I’m sorry.” My voice cracked. “You kept talking about ethics and responsibilities, and I get it now.” Plump tears slowly navigated their way down my cheeks, and there wasn’t a thing I could do about them.

  “This isn’t what you want, Lucy. I can smell you getting wet just standing here. You want me as much as I want you.”

  “It doesn’t matter any more. I need this job, Jenner. What’s between you and I will pass. We just have to leave it alone. You know it as well as I do.”

  His eyes rounded, and then the fire in them dimmed.

  When he took a step back, that imaginary string attached between his body and my heart pulled taut. With every step he took away from me, it tugged a bit more. Awful anticipation of him leaving curled in my stomach as he lowered his head and turned for the door. Then anger tangled in with the other emotions roiling in my heart. This is what I said I wanted…I had no right to be angry.

  His feet stopped moving and he turned back around, his eyes penetrating mine. Anger filled the void that he left. This wasn’t fair. Nothing about this was fair.

  “Lucy?”

  “Jenner. Just go, ok?” I raised my voice.

  “You’re lying to yourself,” he gritted.

  He was going to dissect every word that came out of my mouth.

  “Lying to myself?” I laughed. “Look. You went to Princeton. I went to a community college then City. Your dad is a supreme court judge. My father is a bank robber. Some of us are given jobs because of who we are. Some of us have to work at it. I can’t afford to lose this job, Jenner. I can afford to lose you.”

  Following that, I braced myself for the wave of hurt that was coming. Jenner took off his ball cap, nodded once, put it back on with the bill to the front and walked out. The door closed with a click that jolted through my body.

  It was only then, that I fell to my knees, my head reeling as my breaths came in sobbing gasps. Henley was right, I had to end it. Goodbye had always been inevitable. We’d danced around each other for months. Neither of us were sure if the risk was worth the price. I’d completely fallen in love with Jenner Weber and seeing him, smelling him, touching him only filled my head with doubt. Henley’s pep talk made me believe I was strong enough to handle anything that came my way. I just wasn’t sure if losing Jenner fell into that category. When I climbed onto my bed, I covered my entire body with the cold comforter. And I cried. His leaving had ripped the imaginary string right out of my chest, and my heart was gaping… now it was time to heal. I had to find a way to unlove him.

  ***

  At work the next day, I still fought to recover my composure. I’d barely slept, and the hurt hadn’t lessened.

  “You ok?” Kurt asked as I handed him the copy of the paperwork he and I had discussed at the bar during the conference a month ago.

  “Yes, why?” I lied. “There’s the Order of Informal Supervision you asked for.”

  “Your face. Your eyes. They look…swollen? Lucy, what’s wrong?”

  I shook my head, trying to ward off the onslaught of tears that had only just stopped this morning. Thankfully no one was in the hallway except for Kurt, so when he put his arm around my shoulder, it didn’t look totally inappropriate. I knew it was just a friendly gesture.

  “Can I do anything?” he asked.

  “No. But thank you.”

  “Can’t we sign this OIS without going before the court?” he asked, and my hopes instantly rose.
I didn’t have the strength to go up against Jenner. Not today. Not in court. Not anywhere.

  At the exact moment that his name passed through my mind, Jenner rounded the corner. Kurt’s arm rested on my shoulder. Paranoid about the swelling in my face, I glanced down.

  “Judge Weber,” Kurt addressed.

  “Hi, Judge,” I whispered, unsure if he heard.

  Jenner kept walking, only addressing us with a tight smile.

  “Excuse me, Your Honor,” Kurt hollered after Jenner, catching up to him. I took in long, measured breaths trying to soothe myself as I watched the two of them chat. Jenner shook his head never looking in my direction. When Kurt turned toward me, he shrugged, then shot his thumb toward the courtroom.

  “He said no continuance.”

  Of course he did.

  “You know,” Kurt said before stepping through the courtroom doors, “I’ve always heard he was a dick, but after we all drank together, I thought he was pretty cool. He’s kind of back to dick status for me.”

  Kurt’s words made me smile momentarily as we made our way to our appropriate tables. His humor at least took the edge off if only for a few minutes. But, when the chamber doors came open and Jenner marched out in his robe, my heart plummeted. I kept my eyes on the paperwork.

  “We are on the record in case number…” Jenner’s voiced seemed softer than normal. My mind flashed to memories that I knew would haunt me forever—the first was the rush of his skin against mine. “Ms. Edwards?”

  My eyes flew up to his. “Yes, Your Honor. I... uh…we are here on a motion to approve an order of informal supervision.”

  “I asked for appearances, Ms. Edwards. Is the Court distracting you from something more important?”

  I wasn’t sure if blood drained out of my face or if blood rushed to it…but the blast of heat was stifling. For a moment I thought I was going to pass out. I nodded. “I’m sorry, Judge. I thought that…”

  “Ms. Edwards, please just state your appearance. This is not complicated.” Jenner’s jaw was tight and his eyes angry. The dick was back.

  “Wow,” Kurt added, shaking his head then Jenner’s eyes shot to where Kurt sat.